I became curious about the history of Santa Claus the other day, and during my investigation I
learned that Coca-Cola was partially responsible for the current conception of the jolly old elf.
But, keenly aware that the original Coke beverages also contained a certain illegal stimulant, it
got me thinking…has anyone ever asked about Santa’s medical history?

I mean, the guy has seemingly limitless energy…I haven’t looked closely at his nasal septum, but
his nose is pretty red most of the time. He seems to always be around “snow,” and that elf
workshop has always kind of struck me as a possible front. And there’s that perpetual facial
plethora, ostensibly perturbed circadian rhythms, and obvious insulin resistance…I bet his Lipid
Panel is atrocious.

But maybe all those “ho ho hos” are really cries for help…maybe the constant consumption of
milk and cookies has simply replaced a different habit. Oftentimes some of the most prolific,
productive, and popular people wrestle with addiction. Maybe he could benefit from
Santaglutide (brand name Snowzempic) to curb these tendencies. I hope he’s OK.

Wow, fantasies can really get out of hand. I better just focus on Jesus this Christmas…He’s the
real reason for the season anyway