My workout routine has been a bit stale recently and, desiring to gain some fresh inspiration, I stumbled across a video of RFK and Kid Rock. Given their clear expertise in the realms of both fitness and wardrobe choices and that they appear to be in somewhat reasonable physical condition (despite some room for improvement in the “lateral movement capacity” department in Pickleball), I decided to immediately make some changes.

My wife has always thought that jeans and no shirt is my best look, so this was pretty easy, and patriotism has never been a problem for me. A few guys at the YMCA that have seen me work out found it odd that I had swapped out deadlifts for prone hamstring curls and muscle ups for cable rows, but the new regimen seemed to be going pretty well at first. But as I dragged the Assault Exercise Bike toward the sauna, I was approached by several employees who had the audacity to question both my attire and my motives. “If sauna, high-intensity intervals, and jeans are all good, studies have suggested you get additive benefit when you combine them,” I said. After all, I do have a PhD and I did go to Yale.

Studies have also demonstrated that if you belligerently ignore the rules of public establishments, law enforcement will remove you from the premises. But as the security officers hauled me out of the YMCA, they offered me some low-fat milk, which I promptly dumped out on the ground. You can away my gym privileges, but don’t you DARE take away the odd-chain fatty acids from my dairy beverage. Talk about cruel and unusual punishment…

And then I woke up…what a wild dream! Whether or not you wear jeans today, I hope you all have a wonderful day filled with physical exercise, nutritious food, appreciation for your freedoms, and perhaps even some sauna…but you can probably have all of those things one at a time