A local church was hosting a “Get To Know You” event, and the facilitator signaled that the meeting was about to begin.

“Ok guys!” Let’s go around the circle and get to know each other!”

A pudgy but pleasant-looking man began to speak. “Well, I guess I’ll introduce myself. I’m Kevin, and I’ve been taking hydroxychloroquine since 1998.  I’m a big anti-mosquito guy and I think that we all ought to do what we can to prevent malaria.”

Rolling her eyes, an alarmingly skeletal woman interrupted him. “Yeah, LOTS of malaria to be worried about here in New Hampshire. But anyway, I’m Yvonne and I eat a strict diet of only kidney beans.”

“I wasn’t done!” exclaimed Kevin. “And I have the bloodwork to prove that I am MALARIA-FREE and not even CLOSE to anemic.  In fact, my hemoglobin and hematocrit are a little high!”

“That’s because I guarantee you have sleep apnea!” Yvonne snorted.  “In fact, you seem to have a little apnea when you’re awake!”

Turning even a shade redder than his normal hue, Kevin bellowed, “Your CBC doesn’t even know what type of anemia you have because your Vitamin B12 AND your iron are so low!  You’ve gone to the bathroom 4 times in the last 15 minutes, and you’re so skinny you probably just got a stress fracture from all that running to the toilet!”

“I’ve never felt better!” Yvonne screeched. “And if a mosquito bit you it couldn’t even GET any blood because you’re so fat…and I saw your recent labs…they SCREAM fatty liver!”

Attempting to restore order, the facilitator suggested that the gentleman sitting next to Kevin introduce himself, and this mercifully led to a temporary ceasefire from the Kevin and Yvonne Shootout.

“I’m Brian,” the man said. “I’m new to the area.  I’m a physician, but more importantly I’m a husband, a father, and a friend. I try to be a good steward of the body God has given me, but I don’t root my identity in my recent bloodwork or a preferred dietary pattern. I simply try to understand the utility of various lifestyle interventions and medications so that I can help people live their lives to the fullest.  And if either of you ever need any help with your health, I’m here for you. On another note, I thought this was a church…”

Yvonne and Kevin stared at him blankly, and then replied in unison, “We’re in perfect health and completely happy, but if we ever run into any issues, we’ll let you know.”

Several days later, Kevin hit 100,000 followers on X and celebrated by using ChatGPT to generate a few new and spicy ad hominem zingers.

On the same day from a room on the medical surgical floor, Yvonne updated her thousands of followers on Instagram that she is coming out with a new 12-week dietary program once she is discharged from the hospital.

What about Brian?  He was unavailable for comment and his last Social Media login was 9 days ago. But someone said that he was probably out running in the foothills or leading a Bible study…at an actual church😊